“RLT - Relational Life Therapy is empowering us all with the essential relational skills for meaningful relationships.

Perhaps you’re looking for guidance on how to restore closeness in your relationship, or maybe you’re currently single but looking to learn the skills to build healthier connections. Either way, RLT is the right place”. - Terry Real

“RLT approach teaches us how to step outside of the culture of individualism and embrace our interconnectedness. We can use it to heal a single relationship and to shift our collective culture.”

— Gwyneth Paltrow, founder and CEO of goop

Terry Real - the Creator of Relational Life Therapy Outline

RLT allows to go deep and understand the negative patterns in the relationship quickly to help clients make rapid and substantive changes.

RLT incorporates perspectives and skills from systems therapy, feminist therapy, and neurobiology, together with current evidence-based modalities, to provide practitioners with an innovative way to approach individuals and couples work that breaks many of the rules of traditional Therapy.

Using a range of powerful diagnostic and transformative tools, RLT helps people to first reconnect to themselves—their feelings, needs, and desires—to build a stronger, more intimate connection with their partner.

Terry Real has seen this model help thousands of practitioners get faster and more effective results for their clients.

How RLT Differs From Traditional Therapy

RLT breaks many of the rules of traditional therapy to guide individuals and couples back into connection with extraordinary speed and precision. Some of the key ways RLT differs are:

Working With Grandiosity

Traditional psychotherapy has done an excellent job of helping people move out of shame. However, it hasn’t dealt as effectively with the “other self-esteem disorder”, grandiosity.

Dealing with grandiosity as well as shame is critical because you cannot achieve true intimacy from the one up or one down position. That’s why we address both in RLT. We work to restore healthy self-esteem in each partner, bringing people up from the one down of shame and down from the one up of grandiosity.

We Take Sides

Traditional therapy is alliance-based. The cardinal rule when Terry was training in couples therapy was “Thou shalt not take sides.” But relationship problems are rarely 50/50— some are 70/30, some 99/1. It’s imperative to side with the disempowered partner to restore balance. In RLT, we find leverage then we build alliances.

Dramatic Character Transformation

The idea that character is fixed is outdated. Research into neuroplasticity shows character is changeable.

Practitioners and Clients are Equal

In traditional therapy, the practitioner is often above the client as an expert or below as a facilitator. In RLT, we’re in it with our clients as fellow travelers.

RLT Core Skill: Relational Mindfulness

“Other therapies teach you skills. We deal with the part of you that doesn’t want to use them.” - Terry Real

Relational Mindfulness is moving beyond your knee-jerk, automatic (adaptive child part) responses into a thoughtful, considered (wise adult part) response. Mastering this shift is the core skill of RLT.

One of the things we say is that maturity comes when we handle our own inner child and don't foist them off onto our partners to handle.

RLT Phase 1: Waking Up The Client

In this first phase, we’re waking up their conscience and clients wise adult. It's akin to waking up from a spell. We directly but compassionately tell clients the truth about the dysfunctional stances they have learned and how they are showing up in their relationships.

“This is what’s getting you in the way to get what you want. This is where you learned the negative dysfunctional patterns”.

This is the reconnecting work, the loving confrontation, where all of a sudden somebody says, “Oh my God, this is what I've been doing.”

RLT Phase 2: Family of Origin and Relational Trauma Work

Manage the part of you who gets triggered and creates chaos and problems for yourself and others. Connect with your wise adult the calm mature part.

The second phase is deep inner child work, teaching clients to reparent their child parts.

This is relational trauma work and it opens people up to developing relational skills.

It is only the wise adult part of us that wants to be intimate.

It is only the wise adult part of us that wants to use skills. And so we have to deal with the triggering and the flooding that happens with the wounded and adaptive child parts.

RLT is not itself a trauma modality. The model is not designed for PTSD or other severe forms of trauma.

We talk about three parts of the psyche:

The wounded child, which is usually conceptualized as the first moments of life up until about age four or five.

The adaptive child, which is five up to around twenties.

The wise adult, the mature part of us.

Gabor Maté says, “You don't see the wound, you see the scar.” 

What did you learn? How did you learn to cope as a small child growing up in that family? And are you still bringing those coping mechanisms into your current relationship?

Phase 3: Teaching Relational Skills

The third phase is education and skill building, learning connection, and teaching relationality.

Now the client has learned to tend to their own immature parts, we start to teach them what right looks like in their relationship. “This is what is working”. 

We teach them the skills to sustain intimacy.

“Finally I understand I had to do my inner work to experience all of this.

Lucie has great talent to create safe, joyful, non-judgemental, empathetic, kind-hearted, nurturing and educational space.

She gives her whole heart in her work and provides the most transformational experiences. When I started to work with her I had no idea who I can become and what is possible for me. Today I treat myself with enormous kindness and so do others. I met a man I secretly hoped to share my life with. I’m building my own business. It is challenging but I’ve Lucie by my side to believe in myself when I’m not able. I’m glad she never let me down and is here for me the way I need.”

Maya, Suisse

Work with Lucie

Identify what is not working and where you learned the negative dysfunctional patterns. Learn to manage the part of you who gets triggered and creates chaos and problems for yourself and others.

Embrace a whole new way of being in a relationship. One on one meetings to find your personal growth and healing path – suitable for couples and individuals.

“Intimacy isn’t something you have, it’s something you do. And you can learn to do it better.” — Terry Real

Copy above is credited to Terry Real

The Relational Life Institute terryreal.com

Reference terryreal.com/rlt-overview-pdf/